Do bad things always happen together?
People say it's threes or whatever but in my opinion the really bad ones usually bring way more.
And I get that they're all related but omg it SUCKS when they all happen at the same time, and once again I'm struggling, though this time I feel the blame is a lot lot less on me.
Gotta get through it I guess, thank you to everyone sticking around.
Probably the most eventful year of my life.
Did so many things I was proud of, a few big things I'm really really not. I'm glad that I owned up to them, but I so so regret having done them in the first place. Things that did the opposite of who I want to be, of what I want to do. And I shed tears again for this, my last few in 2023.
2024 will hopefully be better. I will try my best, like I have always been, and I will prove through my actions that I want to be, that I try to be, that I am, the best person I can be.
I have always tried to be a good person, and I will be a better one next year. It will be tough and it will be tiring, but I will do it.
A million apologies, a billion, to those I have hurt. I am so so sorry, and I will be better. I hope you one day understand all of this, and forgive me.
Uni life has been so crazy
So so so good, then so so so bad, so damn eventful
I've had the best moments of my life, so exciting and joyous and monumental, shared with the ones closest to me, and felt so loved
And I have loved like I have never loved before
.
.
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And I have lost like I never hope to do again
I've done things that I hate myself for having done, broken promises which I swore to never break, and hurt people whom I never want to hurt
.
.
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But I have taken away really important lessons, but what good is learning skiing if you never ski again? But I guess I will eventually ski again, and I know I will remember these lessons for a long long time.
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And I really wish I get a chance to apologise to her properly, when she eventually wants to listen to me again. I'm so sorry, and I thank you for everything you've done, and I hope you find someone who treats you the way you want to be treated right, even though I had really hoped that you would understand me and come back to me in spite of me having broken your trust. I would have so loved to have tried again, but oh well.
Maybe in another lifetime. Thank you and goodbye, and hope we can talk again in some time, as friends, because I really hope to see you happy, and make you happy, again.
I love you.
So I guess this sort of wraps up my army experience for now. It was really quite a good ride, there were good and bad moments, but I always be glad I ended up where I did instead of so many other worse places.
Recently travelled with friends, that was a great experience and I worked up the courage to post on Instagram again.
Also began watching anime, and it's been going great with all the good anime my friends have recommended. Though I don't know if it is just me being soft-hearted, but I am finding so many tear-jerking moments in the anime I have watched, and my heart keeps melting every time and gah I wish I had my own anime moments (hopefully in uni!). For instance, I just finished the Kaguya-sama movie a few hours ago
Also, I'm going to start working and hopefully do other things too, so that I can really be productive before uni starts (though the anime feels are hard to shake off for me to get into work mood).
I really hope I have a good pre-uni and uni experience and I am so anxious (but also hopeful). I just want to be happy.
Turns out I had read this book before, but only realised when I started reading, and had nothing else to read but still wanted to read, so I read it anyway. Then I continued to read it and completed it.
Read it over 7 hours in about two sittings, quite a record for me, probably because:
1. It was a really good book and I want another Ann Leckie book.
2. I hadn't read in a while so I was excited.
3. I had read this book before so I didn't stop to think through plot points so much or Google words.
I loved how the book spun so many things together so well (though my mind wasn't able to comprehend some of it), and it was also somewhat interesting how I reacted slightly differently to e.g. the romance portions, having experienced more as an older person. I also remembered quite a portion of it, though still less memorable than the Imperial Radch series.
And lastly, I felt a similarity between Ingray and myself when she was asked to be Netano and rejected it because she knew she would never be one. It made me think back about a rather recent interview I had in army when I also turned down an opportunity, saying that my heart was not in the army, though of course my journey and actions along the way have been nowhere near as extraordinary as Ingray.
I'm going to go borrow another Ann Leckie book if I can, and maybe sometime I will reread the Imperial Radch series.
It's been a while since I last posted something that wasn't about my life, and even longer since I last posted about books, I think. This is definitely partly because I have not been reading much. When I wrote until here, I realised I had posted about Ancillary Justice trilogy before. But I just borrowed Provenance, and so I am reminded again of it.
Anyway, when I meet new people in the army and eventually discuss books, I always recommend the Hitchhiker and the Ancillary Justice series, and recently I'm even more drawn towards recommending Ancillary Justice. Even now, thinking about the book makes me feel a certain way, like a certain attraction towards the main character, because that person is kind of very amazing.
And I think I will start becoming a bit more free, and I've witnessed my language (if not all academic things) standards falling rather rapidly, so I want to ease back into reading etc., beginning with this other Ann Leckie set in the same universe and hopefully it will be great.
This post ended up becoming very messy, oh well.
